Hearing Big Audio Dynamite or Tori Amos, 当我哥哥曼尼开车送我去伊萨卡参加大学面试时，我坐在他的金色皮卡的副驾驶座上. 我是26岁. 他23岁. 在高速公路上，两名州警把hg888皇冠手机版拦在一片褐色的玉米地旁边.
一名士兵盯着曼尼的头发，他的头发梳成一个低低的马尾辫，用一条围巾绑着. He asked to see the ashtray. I grew quietly concerned.
Manny asked, “What’s the problem, officer?”
“Just let me see the ashtray, son.”
Manny pulled out the ashtray. It was full of potpourri. 军官把手指伸进去，搜寻着它的干花瓣和叶子.
The other officer asked, “What is that?”
“Something like pot-pour-ree, I think.”
“锅-pour-ree?”
They smelled it. 他们带着一丝不加掩饰的傻笑，重新打量着曼尼. “Why do you have tinted windows, son?”
“Florida sun,” Manny said.
“You’ve got Pennsylvania plates.”
我解释说，hg888皇冠手机版的母亲和妹妹住在迈阿密，曼尼经常来看她们.
警察让曼尼离开后，就放hg888皇冠手机版走了.
Manny turned to me and said, “That was close.”
他拍了拍口袋里的大麻，对我眨了眨眼睛，咯咯地笑着。锅-pour-ree.”
I shuddered and, after a moment, laughed.
hg888皇冠手机版开车, listening to the big, 《hg888皇冠手机版》的欢快声音和托丽·阿莫斯令人难忘的抒情, artists I had never heard before. 我回家后买了他们的cd，它们成了我的最爱. I would remember the car ride to Ithaca, Manny in the driver’s seat with his long hair, his marbled scarf, his denim cut-offs, his arm draped across the steering wheel, 公路上的白线指引着hg888皇冠手机版前进和前进.
当我五年级的时候，我患上了严重的抑郁症，并多次试图自杀. I remember little from this time, 我不知道是否有什么特别的事件让我感到绝望. 也许我的绝望源于父亲对我身体的虐待, my mother’s emotional frigidity, and the favoritism they showed Manny.
他是一个古巴裔美国人家庭中唯一的男孩, 因此通过更多的关爱获得了重要的文化特权, material possessions, 注意, 和自由. 太频繁, 父亲给曼尼买火车时，我会站在收银台旁, 而他却不给我买我想要的紫色头发巨魔. 然而，这些经历的微妙之处对孩子来说太过微妙，难以理解. 曼尼还太小，无法理解我的感受, 当时我还太小，不明白那些表面上的礼物主要是为了让父亲开心.
两年后，我从抑郁中走出来，带着强烈的改变和生活的意愿. 在我早期尝试自我决定的过程中，音乐扮演了重要的角色. Seeking solace and inspiration, I listened to the Beatles, Olivia Newtown-John, 吻, 的诀窍, Fleetwood Mac, 和汽车. 我会在日记中引用歌曲的歌词. I developed a new identity.
我也开始交朋友，这是我第一次拥有的，而我的弟弟妹妹却没有. Whenever Manny tried to tag along, 当他站在林荫道上盯着我时，我以一种又矛盾又胜利的眼神回望着他. 有一次，妈妈逼我带曼尼和我最好的朋友一起去泳池. At the pool, I ignored him completely. 当hg888皇冠手机版回到家，他告诉我的母亲，然后把一支点燃的香烟塞到我手里.
曼尼不知道我对他受到的关注有多嫉妒, 哪一个, I realized later, 只有与我所经历的忽视相比才有意义. 我知道曼尼在学校很孤单，经常被人起绰号嘲笑，被人欺负. 在家里，我父亲对他敏感的儿子进行了身体和语言上的辱骂. 我同情我的哥哥，有时感到一阵悔恨. 但是，作为一个青少年，我也可以很容易地克服这些痛苦. 生活欠我的，我想，曼尼是其中一个原因.
My perspective changed when, late in his high school career, Manny discovered the Scorpions, then the Smiths, Sisters of Mercy, and Morrissey. 我会打开卧室的门，听他楼下房间里传出的音乐. 有一次，我不得不下楼仔细听，发现自己坐在曼尼的床上. We listened to U2’s 10月. I became an avid fan, of the music and of my brother.
Manny had changed. He grew his hair long, 穿着嬉皮士的冲浪者的酷酷的哥特风格的衣服，用斜视的眼神和安静的笑声来强调他温柔的英俊. 突然间，他似乎随时准备逃跑，于是他就逃跑了. 高中毕业后，他会开车离开，在未知的地方待上不确定的时间.
When Manny graduated from Lower Merion High School, my parents divorced, and my mother and sister moved to Miami. I would visit annually. 有一次，曼尼突然问我要不要去俱乐部. I was thrilled by this rare offer. 我很快地在浴室里梳洗了一下，然后惊恐地检查了一下我打包的衣服. With full appreciation of their inadequacy, 我展示了当晚最适合自己的两件衣服:一件衬衫配白色卡普里牛仔裤，或者扎染遮瑕衣. Manny shook his head. 没有办法.
相反，他给了我一件他的黑色t恤和黑色牛仔裤. I wore them with giddy delight. hg888皇冠手机版开着他的卡车出去，把车停在一个空海滩旁边的仓库附近. We walked onto the beach, 海风把他的黑色t恤和牛仔裤的布料压在我的皮肤上. The air was delicious against my face and neck. 虽然我已经很多年没有抽过大麻了，但当曼尼把大麻递给我时，我还是忍不住. We alternated tokes as we walked. I imagined I inhaled the moonlight. Being with Manny, I felt new. Remade in his clothes and the salty air. 月亮高悬，月光闪烁，映在荡漾的海洋上. hg888皇冠手机版沿着水边漫步，倾听着海浪的起伏.
When we finished smoking, we walked back up the beach to the Kitchen Sink, 黑色的天花板上挂着一根棍子，上面挂着发光的餐具. Sipping our drinks, hg888皇冠手机版靠在一张高高的桌子上，看人们在五彩的聚光灯下跳舞，在旋转的餐具之间.
然后, Pictures of You by The Cure played.
稳定的低音鼓以令人昏昏欲睡的节奏加强了刺耳的低音. 曼尼放下他的饮料，走向舞池. He headed right to the center. 他的齐肩长发散乱，喉结突出. 曼尼闭上眼睛，仰起脸朝向上方的白色灯泡. Under the spotlight, space all around him, all else in the shadows, arms limp at his sides, fingers slack, 他动摇.
曼尼和我试图在成年后维持一段关系, but it never coalesced into steady contact. Even after Manny had settled in Pennsylvania, no matter how many times I would visit him, hg888皇冠手机版下次聚会的间隔时间增加了. He pursued a career as a sound engineer and met and married his wife; meanwhile, I pursued my academic studies, worked as an administrative assistant, and met and married my husband. We lived an hour’s driving distance from each other, 但是沿着普鲁士国王走廊的交通会大大延长通勤时间. Manny could not endure the gridlock.
尽管这么多年来我一直在努力和曼尼联系，但是我破坏了hg888皇冠手机版的关系. 42岁时，我被诊断出患有霍奇金淋巴瘤，我让曼尼不要告诉家里的任何人. 我害怕他们的冷漠，我知道曼尼会遵守诺言的.
当我第一次告诉他时，曼尼以目瞪口呆的沉默回答. I held the phone to my ear, staring at the crumbs on my kitchen counter, waiting for him to say something empathetic. 他从来没有. 第二天他打电话给我说，“我和一个同事谈过. He had testicular cancer. He told me it wasn’t too bad. You’ll be alright.”
我知道他的话是有目的的，只是目标不是我需要的深处. 我相信，他的意思是要减轻痛苦，如果不是我的痛苦，就是他的痛苦. 毕竟，这样做可能会减轻他对我的责任, if cancer was not “too bad,“当时他并不需要为此付出什么特别的努力，但这也许可以减轻他对我的一些忧虑. Still, I wanted Manny to visit me. 我得知道他有多爱我才会再来看我一次，以防万一.
Instead, he would call every week. 每次拜访开始，他都礼貌地询问我的健康状况, but if I told him about my fears or my pain, he said little except, “Stay positive and it’ll be alright.“我学会了保留我想和他分享的信息. 曼尼大部分时间都在谈论他妻子给他买的那辆二手的客舱巡洋舰. 这艘船需要修理，他详细地讲述了这些:技术, 成本, the difficulty finding replacement parts, the complicated business of docking. 我试着想像他描述的那样把船驶出码头或停在码头上的复杂动作. But I found it difficult to maintain interest, 尤其是考虑到我每天所经历的挣扎. With each call, I’d swallow more confusion. 我会提醒自己这些电话本身就是他在乎的证据, 但我怎么能继续把这些电话的内容理解为发自内心的关心呢? I wanted so much more.
About four months into my treatment, 当我离开癌症中心穿过华盛顿广场时，我听到了曼尼的语音信息. hg888皇冠手机版姐姐的丈夫有一阵头晕，医生也无法确定原因. hg888皇冠手机版的母亲以前几乎没有对他说过什么好话，现在她飞过来帮忙照顾他. 曼尼很担心，说他“感觉很糟糕”，还说hg888皇冠手机版的姐夫是“可怜的家伙”.” He thought I needed to know.
I had to sit down on a bench and breathe. 我对自己的关心，曼尼刚刚表达了对hg888皇冠手机版姐夫的关心. How much time had they actually spent together?
我无法再忍受hg888皇冠手机版之间缺少交流了. I was overwhelmed enough by cancer. I emailed Manny a request:
“亲爱的曼尼, the things that you’ve said and, 更, 你没做过的事对我的伤害太大了. 我需要你在很长一段时间内不要联系我——至少在我度过这段困难时期之前. How about if I call you when I’m ready? This is not to make you have a guilty conscience. 我爱你, but let’s face it, 如果我得了癌症，你不能以家人或朋友的身份支持我, what is the point? Take good care and have a good summer.”
那天下午晚些时候，我正在上班，曼尼给我留了条信息. 他喊道:“我从来没见过任何人——任何人——会推开她的家人! Don’t you know family is all you have?他解释说:“你叫我不要告诉任何人，我妻子也不知道，我怎么能去看你呢?? 我知道你病了，但这不能给你任何理由这样做!” After a pause, he yelled, “Fine! 这样；继续这样；就这样吧；以这种方式!”
我在秋天完成了治疗，但我没有给他打电话. I was deeply hurt he had not contacted me again. For a few years, 我想知道我未来想从曼尼的关系中得到什么, if that was even possible. It was a long time before I could understand that, in order to have a relationship with Manny, 我无法期待任何令人满意的情感回报. 他在感情上变得比我所知道的任何时候都要疏远. 我将不得不接受他所能给予的一切:打电话、拜访他或会面地点.
近年来，我试着联系他，但毫无效果.
在我成年后的大部分时间里，我害怕自己曾经是一个想自杀的孩子. I believed she resided in me, waiting to return, waiting to test my family, longing for their sympathy. I imagined she waited inside me, 希望一种疾病能引起他们的注意并证明这一点, 是的, their love would materialize before I died.
This secret wish threatened my survival.
如果曼尼通过拜访我或者提供切实的关心来证明他们的爱, 也许我对家人的思念就会减轻. Instead, he confirmed my family’s truancy. 虽然他的反应在我看来令人震惊，但这即使不是拯救生命，也是一种解脱. 晚些时候, 我开始意识到，我小时候自杀是因为我的家庭功能失调，而不是因为我一直认为的生理心理缺陷.
我想起了hg888皇冠手机版最后一次交流时那些无法言说的困惑和不适. I think of how much I wanted to feel close to Manny. 我是多么想摆脱和他在一起的尴尬. 我是多么憎恨没有任何东西，甚至癌症，可以弥补hg888皇冠手机版之间的疏离.
那晚在厨房水槽看曼尼跳舞，我差点笑了. 对我来说，他的摇摆舞离站立只有一步之遥. I did not laugh. 我对他的钦佩，也许甚至是对他的爱，又使我激动了一分钟. 也许那时我就知道，我需要保护他的形象.
I joined him on the dance floor, 慢吞吞地走来走去，我希望能配合他的风格.
I see it clearly now.
兄弟姐妹一起跳舞，刀叉在头顶晃荡.
Adriana Lecuona很荣幸为hg888皇冠撰稿. 她是土生土长的费城人，现在与丈夫和儿子住在沃灵福德. 最近，她获得了古彻学院的文学硕士学位. She has a previous MFA in Film & 坦普尔大学媒体艺术专业，宾夕法尼亚大学文学学士学位. Ms. 莱库纳的作品发表在《hg888皇冠手机版》上, Be Well Philly, Somos En Escrito, 和其他人.