起初, 当我听到广播里有沙哑的声音叫我的名字时, 我还以为是我产生了幻觉. 在过去的30天里, 我飞去了波士顿, 到辛辛那提, to New York; I’d explained to dubious airport officials that a French horn was a musical instrument and that no, 我的锥形木制哑巴不是用来拉拉队的. I was starting to hear my audition pieces in car alarms and the inflections of people’s voices.
The day before the ten-minute audition that would determine the rest of my life, 我想从学校直接回家, 听几首贝多芬的交响乐, 再吃一品脱薄荷巧克力片冰淇淋. 相反，我被叫到了校长办公室.
The stares and giggles of my classmates alerted me that the scratchy PA voice was real. “爱瑞丝·克拉克，”信又重复了一遍，“请到校长办公室报到. 虹膜克拉克. 请报告现在.”
我叹了口气，拖着步子向办公室走去, jealous of everyone else bolting for sunny freedom beyond the school’s doors. Even a few minutes’ delay felt like a terrible imposition after a full day of imprisonment.
夫人. LaFolle在等我. She was wearing a navy blazer and a sheer ivory blouse with a tie at the neck. 她那生硬的笑容似乎要裂开，从脸上掉下来了.
“你好，爱瑞丝，”她说，双手拘谨地放在桌子上.
“这是什么?”
我害怕她会说什么. 虽然我没做错什么, she had hated me ever since I missed the National Honor Society induction for a Youth Philharmonic rehearsal.
“嗯,虹膜.她把一些文件拖了过来，假装在研究. “到目前为止，你已经缺课九天了. 明天是你第十次缺勤.”
“是的，我在参加音乐学校的面试. 我的妈妈叫. 你没收到她的留言吗?”
夫人. 拉福尔从眼镜上方看着我. "如果有学生无故旷课十次, that student automatically gets five points docked from their average in each class.”
I inched forward to the sharp edge of my chair, clenching my fists in my lap. “但这是为了大学. 我的妈妈叫. 这怎么就不能原谅了?”
“如果这是一项可选的活动，. LaFolle说:“这不是借口.”
“试镜 不 可选. 像茱莉亚音乐学院和伊士曼学院这样的学校可不行.”
“把后果告诉你是我的责任。. LaFolle安详地说. It was clear from her tone that she didn’t know what Juilliard was, nor did she care to learn.
我觉得自己就像一个被热熔岩填满的空杯子. If I sat in that office for one more second, molten rage would come spilling out my eyeballs.
"如果你因为这个扣掉我的成绩,”我说, 站起来朝门口走去, “我父母要起诉我.”
我超速开车回家了, blasting the angry part of Beethoven’s Fifth as loud as my speakers would go. 我的汽车在狭窄的道路上急驶而下, 经过有机奶场和高尔夫球场, 经过车道、邮箱和化学强化草坪. 我讨厌这个小镇，讨厌，讨厌. 我迫切地想离开. 我受不了那里的乡下人, 它的五座教堂, 它的小图书馆里从来没有我想要的书. 这里平淡无奇的成年人都是平庸之辈:直升机妈妈, 柔软的爸爸, teachers who’d gone to Norton High and come right back to reign over students asleep at sticky desks. 我发誓决不屈服. 我永远不会被蹂躏和苍白. I would always be like Beethoven, steeped in art, shaking my fist at the thundering sky.
这是蛮横和不公平的. LaFolle应该占据我脑海中的任何一角. But I thought of her disdainful face as I vomited my lunch in the music building bathroom, 就在我试镜前一小时. As I retched, I held back my own hair, trying 不 to splatter my audition blouse. 我的胃一空，我就沮丧地盯着厕所. 我为刚才吃的美味午餐感到难过. Mom had taken me to a cafe with blue gingham tablecloths and the menu written on chalkboard. 烤西冷牛排, 土豆泥, and brownie should have been the perfect thing to eat before the taxing task of playing the horn. 现在，他们的努力白费了.
我站起来，感到很冷. 我背上一直出汗的地方有一块湿漉漉的地方. 我嗓子疼，牙齿上沾满了酸味残留物. 我感到虚弱和颤抖. 我不知道在这种情况下我该怎么做, 尤其不要在陌生人面前演奏高难度的音乐.
我查看了我的手机. There were still thirty minutes before the audition—just enough time to wolf a granola bar and brush my teeth. 比赛可能会很匆忙，但这总比空腹比赛好.
I exited the bathroom stall and spotted Juliet Jaeger, my ex-best friend, standing at the sink. I’d hoped to get through audition season without seeing her—a foolish hope, 鉴于hg888皇冠手机版都吹过号角.
朱丽叶背对着我. I darted my eyes toward the door, wondering if I could escape without confrontation. 但是已经太晚了. 顺便说一下，她整理了一下垂在背上的一团卷发, 有点太夸张了, 我能感觉到她听到了我的话.
我起身要走，但她转过身来. 她穿着黑色紧身裤, 高跟鞋, 还有一件黑色长袖上衣，上衣上镶着薄纱条. Her hair was messy yet alluring, and she had put on dark, smudgy makeup around her eyes. 她对我阴险地笑了笑.
“我不觉得你是个净化者.”
我被她的含沙射影吓呆了. “我吃坏了东西.我立刻讨厌自己觉得有必要向她解释.
她笑了. “正确的.”
我决定不让她影响我的行为. I marched up to the sink next to hers and washed my hands, resisting the urge to rinse my mouth. 当我转身要走的时候，我注意到她越来越浓的笑容. 她盯着我的胸口.
我低头看到了, 尽管我的努力, 一些呕吐物溅到了我试镜的上衣上. 懒得擦干我的手, 我大步走出浴室, 假装我还有尊严.
号角试演在一间小教室里举行. 学生课桌被推到一边. 黑板的表面印着乐谱杆, 半被抹去的音符的幽灵漂浮在字里行间. A few bookshelves held tattered theory texts and busts of famous composers.
The horn teacher sat in a chair on one side of the room, one lanky leg crossed over the other. 当我走向房间中央的椅子时，他对我微笑着. It was a plastic scooped chair with a dip in the center, the kind I hated. 我不可能像我需要的那样平躺在里面.
“你好，爱瑞丝，”老师说. 放一些音符，清空你的幻灯片. 获得舒适.”
我坐到椅子上，不舒服地坐在椅子边缘上. 我做了几次瓣膜，四个瓣膜都是连续的. Although it had never happened, I was terrified that one of my valves might stick during an audition. 我举起号角吹了几个音符. 房间里有一种轻微的、令人不安的回声.
“好吧，你为什么不弹几个音阶呢?”
“哪一个?”
“选择你的最爱. 主要和次要.”
我犹豫了一下，想知道这是不是一个陷阱问题. 大多数老师都指定了你应该弹的音阶. I could pick easy scales in a comfortable range, but that might make me seem like a slacker. 另一方面, it was probably best 不 to reveal my weakness by venturing into the upper register.
我选择从降d专业开始. The two-octave range of this scale lay in the safe low to middle register, 但他会对一个有五个单位的音阶印象深刻. 出于直观和神秘的原因，我也更喜欢这个量表. 我也解释不清楚，但降d大调一直吸引着我.
I took a breath and dropped my jaw, letting a mellow D-flat emerge, round and low. 我在磅秤上自如地上下滑动.
“太好了，”老师说. “小?”
我选择了升c小调，因为我知道这四个升c会让他印象深刻.
他对我的选择笑了. “能听到平行小调是很不寻常的. 大多数人是和亲戚一起去的.”
我希望他能记住我.
“你的独唱带了什么??”
“海顿第二协奏曲. 第一和第二乐章”
“有趣. 让hg888皇冠手机版用掌声欢迎.” He adjusted his chair and sat back, as though settling in at the movie theater.
我开始播放影印的音乐. 海顿协奏曲是低音号的代表作, 特色一节与快速, 中上层和踏板之间的微妙跳跃. 我的喇叭在腿上放了几秒钟, 我在心里预演了前几首曲子, 计划节奏和情绪. 我准备好了，举起号角，感到一阵头晕. 饥饿和虚弱又一波一波地回来了, 洗掉了我用磅秤获得的坚实的立足点. 我把我的角放在腿上，低下头，摇了摇头.
“你没事吧??老师问.
“嗯，”我说，试图抑制住喉咙里的恶心. “我最近有点不舒服.”
“很遗憾听到这个消息.他看上去试图保持一种中立的表情. I hoped he hadn’t decided that I couldn’t manage the pressure of being a performing musician.
为了证明我能应付自如，我向海顿号发起了进攻. Usually I navigated the short, skipping 不es with aplomb, but my nervousness made me rush. 我开始得太快，几乎漏掉了一半音符. I blinked at my music, surprised that it had betrayed me so unexpectedly.
“为什么不再试一次呢??老师不无好意地说. “慢慢来，跟上节奏.”
我开始在, 试着跟随他的方向, remembering that Suzanne said some teachers liked to test you for instructability. But I over-compensated, taking it too slow and running out of breath too soon. I had to breathe at a spot I wasn’t used to and missed several 不es as a result.
“不要一口气就急着去玩，”他说. “你是独奏者.”
我一直失败，他一直阻止我. 试镜就像一场可怕的梦. 当最后结束的时候，我离开房间时感到一阵眩晕. 我伸手去抓门框，稳住自己. 我想到了布鲁斯, who’d call me a wuss for how easily I’d been thrown by a little physical discomfort. I thought of Kintaro, who’d find 不 an ounce of music in my performance. 我想到了妈妈，她付了几年的音乐课学费. 苏珊娜一个小时的课程是每周65美元. 这是2美元,青年爱乐乐团450美元, 外加1500美元野营费和3美元,今年夏天去德国旅行要花775英镑. 这还不包括申请每所音乐学校的75美元, 旅游, 酒店, 各种各样的费用调谐器, 节拍器, 设置静音, 喉舌, 阀油, 滑油, 蛇. She had paid all this money, driven all these miles only for me to prove my mediocrity. 我的喉咙发紧，眼睛发烫. 我很少哭，但我意识到这是哭泣的危险前奏. I moved quickly down the hall, determined that no one should witness my humiliation.
As I exited the music building with Mom, I saw that it was snowing hard and fast. 地面上已经出现了一英寸厚的白色, with more snow whirling down like some cosmic down blanket had ripped open. 当hg888皇冠手机版上车的时候, flakes coated the windshield so quickly the wipers could barely clear a path for Mom to see. hg888皇冠手机版来到一个拐弯处，妈妈小心翼翼地向前挪了挪，但没有用. hg888皇冠手机版的车平稳地、无声地向十字路口滑去. Mom didn’t speak, only gripped the wheel so hard her knuckle bones stood out white against her skin. 另一辆车在另一边等着. 我有时间看了看司机的脸:一个60多岁的男人, 白发凝重，浓眉浓密. 他以一种感动而关切的目光注视着hg888皇冠手机版, and for a moment my heart felt quiet as we slid with slick grace toward his vehicle. 那又有什么关系呢, 真的, 谁进了伊士曼，谁没进, 最后的结果是:冰, 两辆车, 在路上致命的滑倒? A thought whispered in the corner of my mind: maybe it was better for things to go like this, 而我的前途未卜. 总比继续下去，证明自己是错的好. Then friction snared our tires, and we moved in the right direction once more.
艾米丽·埃卡特是故事集《hg888皇冠》的作者. Her writing has appeared in The Washington Post, Nature, Potomac 审查, and elsewhere. 她在哈佛大学学习音乐. 欲了解更多她的作品，请访问www.emilyeckart.com.