Conor is gone from me, and no matter how many times I’ve tried, I can’t get into his head.
After catching a glimpse of him in a pub two weeks ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. 我回来希望他也能这样做. I was dragged along by the desire for him to know my pain.
I perched on a bar stool in that dim, dusty pub, a glass in my hand. The amber liquid inside ran down my throat the way I imagine electricity runs through a wire — fiery and raw and strong. I shivered and took another sip to calm my nerves. It must have been the excitement that set me on edge. 对抗的承诺.
I picked at a loose string on the seam of my pants, pulling until the black fabric gathered and the thread went taut. 我的手猛地一抖，它就飞走了. Obnoxious scarlet tile greeted its wavering descent.
Conor was nowhere in sight, so I fidgeted anxiously. My eyes darted around the pub, taking in smudged windows and chipping paint. I scanned the newspaper clippings that hung on the far wall. 新酒吧在兵营街开张， 一个褪色的标题吹嘘道. Garda Síochána Releases Info on Recent Killings, read a central clipping, held up by three gleaming tacks. 我紧握着一只空杯子. 这些话在我的脑海里游弋, I braced one hand on the bar and refocused my thoughts.
Without warning, a strange feeling began to creep through my veins. 我感觉到康纳的存在. His strong hands seemed to hover over my shoulders, 等着触碰我, 烧焦周围的空气. 他离hg888皇冠手机版很近. 有形的.
在快速移动的模糊中, I spun in my stool so that I could face his ghost, 那个无声的叫喊, and pull it from me thread by thread as if I were unhinging my own shadow — but that shivering apparition spun with me, 呆在后面. 我用爪子抓我的夹克. My skin seemed to be stretched too tightly over my shoulders, cramping muscles and fracturing bones — all while Conor scraped furiously at the edges of my mind.
The room wavered; his figure appeared in the doorway. Outlined by hazy streetlights, that brush of orange hair seemed to glow. 我身体的每一块肌肉都紧张起来. Those glaring eyes, that clear, pale skin, it all reminded me of the past. Suddenly I was staring and staring and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the profile of his young face. 他环视了一下; 他看见我了吗??
我需要和他谈谈. My feet took me across the tile and blindly towards his figure, eyes cast down. 如果我没看着他的眼睛, maybe I wouldn’t have to remember the searing passion he ignited in my chest all those years ago. 我凝视着他的脖子, 盘旋在我曾经亲吻过的嘴唇上, dancing over ruddy freckled cheeks — eyes lingering anywhere but on his own. 我看着他交叉双臂，脸色发僵.
“我不能. 我…我受够了.” His familiar voice awoke a longing in me that I had forgotten about.
I clutched at his sleeve, my gaze flitting about his face but never making eye contact. “我爱你. Nothing from my past could have rendered me incapable of loving you. 那不意味着什么吗?”
我笑了. 他真的敢于对我做出假设? Was it so impossible to believe that the only thing blurring my emotions was wasted love? I could feel frustration bubbling up in my body, red-hot and steaming from every one of my pores — he wouldn’t listen.
I was trapped, helpless to do anything to make him come back.
“马克,” he began, “ever since that case, you’ve been unpredictable, aggressive. 你得从加尔达辞职. 让自己愈合. You saw things that day that no man should ever have to see.”
他的话勾起了我的回忆 flashing sirens, muffled shouting, pools of scarlet. The visions were as red as the tile beneath my feet. I felt the cold weight of my gun in hand — I heard the click of the striker, 我的手指紧压扳机, the final deafening crack — I tasted bright copper and salt — I saw the limp sneer on the face of the man whose body thumped onto grass. The gross images of his victims throbbed in my brain. 被肢解的, 剥了皮的, raw red bodies with eyes carved from their bleeding sockets, with dead dripping mouths pinned into animalistic grins, with tortured bodies flayed like the half-eaten corpses of unlucky prey —
有一个，还活着. The body was intact in the barest sense of the word — drooling and spitting, slumped on the ground in a shapeless mess of wet crimson. 它那肿胀的眼皮在我面前抽搐, its lips formed a voiceless plea for help — God, 一个人完成它, 只要带走它的痛苦——当它死了, I won’t have to see the raw red fear in those bloodshot eyes —
Conor’s warm hand on my arm reminded me of his presence.
As I watched a tear slip down his cheek, I found that I was no longer angry. All the rage that I had bottled up in my chest seemed to liquefy in that moment, 直到它变成蓝色, 忧郁的蓝色阴影.
“Don’t cry over me,” I said, but his silent tears only fell faster.
The sadness then gave way to a growing sense of control. He was still mine, after all, so I could fix this. 我给他带来了痛苦. Perhaps it was only right for me to take it away in the end.
当我把他拉近时，他什么也没说. My hand strayed to my belt, fingers closing on the cold grip of my gun. It was firm and sure in my hands as I brought it quietly to his chest.
“I’m sorry I made you cry,” I whispered, and pulled the trigger.
打桩机的点击. 我手指的按压. 最后震耳欲聋的裂缝.
他在我怀里咳嗽，我感到有点麻木. Too weak for any expression to form, his jaw went slack and his eyelids fluttered. 我看着血在地板上聚集. 它是红色的. 朱红色, and I was swimming in it, watching him drop to the ground and dissolve away.
The scrambling of feet, shattering of glasses, and shouts from the pub behind me blurred together. 最重要的是康纳的脸. It was relaxed; those beautiful eyes no longer bled tears.
丽贝卡·乌尔曼(丽贝卡Uhlman)是一名初中学生. She enjoys creative writing, reading, and photography. 她希望有一天能成为小说家.