The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Married

Everybody knows the classic story of Cinderella.  I know it especially well, considering that I am her.  但事情是这样的:事情并不是他们想让你相信的那样.

‘Kay so, my mom never died.  我觉得编剧这样做是为了让我看起来很孤独，很伤心之类的, but my parents actually split up when I was nine, and my dad got full custody.  Not that I even liked my mom, anyway.  她有12个和平和爱的纹身她的衣柜里装满了80年代的衣服.  Whenever I said anything to her, she quoted the Bible.

Anyway, my dad married, like, three months later, claiming that he needed to “support me,”  and have “another person to provide for me,“尽管他在公司有一份高薪的工作，可以给hg888皇冠手机版买一栋豪宅, and he totally couldn’t fake a low income that well.

But who could blame him, really?  贝儿在你面前是美丽的，有着平静的面容和飘逸的金发.  I felt, like, really lucky to have her as my stepmom.  Plus, she was really cool, 还总是教我如何正确地画黑色眼线和涂口红.  I grew to love her much more than my hippie mother.
You heard it right folks.  Heavy black eyeliner?  Lipstick?  Your blond haired, blue eyed princess is goth.  霓虹，黑条纹袜子，黑辫子，死亡金属t恤哥特风格.  我甚至背上有蝙蝠翼纹身每只耳朵上都打了五个洞, not even counting the rest of my face.

好吧，我的继母长得很好，但我的继姐妹们就不一样了.  有两个，就像童话里一样，他们都长得很漂亮.  Like, medium beauty.  My dad thought they were the sweetest girls in the world, but you already know not to trust his judgment.

Anyway, the one girl, Charlotte, would like, 勒索我帮她做家务，把我的零用钱给她——我爸爸还给我零用钱.  At sixteen, you can’t be goth if you’re dad totally babies you.  But try explaining that to him.  You see, I was hanging out with my friends one night, walking through the woods, me and Andy almost carrying Chealse and Violet, who were high (don’t worry, 我是hg888皇冠手机版小组中少数几个拒绝吸毒的人之一)，他们从街角的某个家伙那里得到了大麻.  hg888皇冠手机版偶然发现我的邻居在他们的房子里举行了一个聚会，我的朋友说了一些非常愚蠢的事情.  他们威胁说要告发hg888皇冠手机版非法侵入，除非hg888皇冠手机版明年免费给他们修剪草坪.  They have a HUGE lawn.

‘Kay so, while I was stuck doing chores one night, 我的姐妹们宣布她们要去参加一个由富二代举办的盛大的派对，hg888皇冠手机版学校的所有女孩都为之倾倒.  And I wasn’t allowed to go.  At first, I didn’t really care.  但当我看到女孩们挑选花裙子并在镜子里旋转时，我的公主一面出现了，我完全隐藏在我走进去的时候，狼吞虎咽地吃巧克力来让自己更快乐(这是比利时的好东西!  Don’t even try to tell me you wouldn’t do that too!).

By the end of the day of the party, I felt like I should not be the only one not at the party, 所以我打开衣柜，在无数黑色和时髦颜色的衣服中翻来翻去，试图找到一件我可以穿的裙子:一件前边有一排回形针的迷你黑色无肩带连衣裙.  有一次我试了试，盯着自己至少在镜子里摆了个姿势, like, fifteen minutes, I was the teeniest bit excited.  I pulled my stick-straight hair into pigtails.  I had gone with magenta streaked black hair for the month.  It wasn’t as cool as neon colored, 但贝儿说我一年至少要有六个月的时间把它变成黑色，否则我看起来就不像以前那么哥特了, and she kinda had a point.  That was why I made her do my makeup.

After doing my makeup, we were all pumped up, 所以hg888皇冠手机版劫持了邻居的奔驰车，在去派对的路上穿过一些灌木丛，把它打了一顿.

As soon as I stepped through the door, my best and totally emo friend, Sammi, was all “Hey, Ella, over here!”  As soon as I goth walked my way over to her, the music changed to a dub-step tune I’d never heard before.  Sammi pulled me into the crowd to dance.

When the song was over, she was all, “awww…” and sad, 所以hg888皇冠手机版就在餐桌附近晃荡，试图吓跑其他女孩的约会对象.  当萨咪再次高兴起来时，hg888皇冠手机版跟着一堆朋克、dub-step和重金属歌曲跳舞.  After like, five songs, 我的脚后跟开始起水泡，因为我那超赞的青柠绿色高帮鞋(我知道.  So unfair!).  我不想让他们把我在Hot Topic半价买的渔网撕了!), so I snuck to the bathroom and took them off.  My eyes had watered when they scraped against the blister, 所以我的睫毛膏顺着我的脸流了下来，给了我一个悲伤的小丑表情.

‘Kay so, I totally couldn’t go barefoot in fishnets (so uncool), so I like, 在大厅里闲逛，想找一间卧室或什么可能有黑色高跟鞋的地方.  I kinda had to hide from the security guards, though, cause they were coming down the halls every like, five minutes.  最后，我找到了一个女人的卧室，从她的衣柜里偷了一双黑色高跟鞋.  在出去的路上，我忍不住想在床上蹦蹦跳跳.  It might have been smart to take the heels off first…

Anyways, I totally realized that the rich kid’s mother was at the party, and she might recognize her shoes, so I put them back and kept up my search.  我正准备光着脚回派对，突然发现了一扇神秘的门.  I was all intrigued and stuff, 所以我用我巨大的头盖骨发夹撬开了那把巨大的锁，把链子拔了下来.  车门太重了，我不得不把卡盘重新拉上以获得牵引力.

在我向空气中的粒子展示了我惊人的力量之后, 我又脱下夹头，走向房间里唯一的东西:一双装在玻璃盒子里的玻璃鞋跟，上面有一扇没有上锁的门，上面写着“请勿触摸”.

好吧，作为哥特人之类的，我很容易做错事.  尽管高跟鞋配上我漂亮的渔网看起来很糟糕，但我还是得试穿一下.

The weird thing was, they fit perfectly.  I was strutting my stuff around the room in them, 穿着高跟鞋很难做所有的华丽转身和炫耀的事情.  正当我拿起我的夹子准备走出去的时候，那个富二代走了进来.

他说:“嘿，你不应该在……哦，我的天哪，你适合全家的鞋子。!  Let me kiss your feet!”  I’m paraphrasing.  But he did bow.

所以当我试图弄清楚为什么学校里最富有的孩子崇拜我的时候, I was sort of swept up into oddly muscular arms.  So I was all, “Ahem!”
And he was all, “Sorry.  You totally fit the family shoe!”

我说"如果你不解释，我就把鞋跟扭断.”

所以他发了个小脾气，我就看着他，直到他说出了整个故事.  Apparently, I was supposed to marry him.

So I was all, “You’re a creep.  I’m leaving.”

And he was all, “I’ll rat you out.”

Crap.

That was, like, 大概是我心跳加速的时候，直到只有一个常量, and my brain slowed down until, like, it took me a minute per second to process everything.  在我决定进监狱之前，我疯狂地想了一分钟左右.

But then, there was a knock on the door.

‘Kay so, 我飞快地转了一圈，看见一个穿白衣服的家伙从巨大的门里溜了进来.  And omigod…he was hot.

So the rich kid was all, “Hey, give us a minute, will you?”

And I was all, “Who is that?!”

And he was all, “He is my servant.  And someday, he could be yours.”

And I knew I was being set up.  I really, truly did.  But he was soooooooooo hot.
“FINE!  I guess I’ll marry you.”

And he was all, “Yay!”

And hot boy was all, *ridiculously cute smile in my direction.*