就在我成为失败推销员的前一晚, 我在德里克的房间里很清醒, gazing out his window, 阅读解剖学教科书, 用刀吃花生酱. 我有一些问题，很大的问题，但它是2 a.m., and all my older brother cared about was getting sleep. 如果每隔一小时hg888皇冠手机版就会脱发，生长细胞，骨头在一夜之间变厚, 第二天早上hg888皇冠手机版会变吗? 德里克咕哝着表示不同意. 他从来没有觉得自己的手臂变长过, no matter how new he looked to me every time he emerged from the pool, fists up in victory.
What I loved most about going to meets was his starting-block routine, 一系列我熟记于心的伸展动作. I’d repeat after Derek as he moved pieces of himself—slow head roll, delt shrug, arms to heaven, finger wiggles, bow at the waist, hammy stretch, ankle arch, toe curl, 以原地跑十步结束. 我十岁的时候，在那些金属看台上，我不在乎游泳. 我的想法是，我的手臂可能长到可以一直到下面，然后拍他, 就在哨响之前, on the shoulder.
那天晚上，我站在他的窗前，伸伸懒腰. “Want some Jif?我说着，把刀递了过去.
“Jesus, Bret,” he said. “Go to bed.这是耶稣不再是一个誓言, after dad joined TEAM and traded Sunday service for sales trips. 那是在hg888皇冠手机版上山之后.
“Relax,” I whispered. “hg888皇冠手机版明天没有地方可去，对吧?”
周六的夜晚渐渐进入了黎明, I stared down the hill at the lights along the dog food factory—gold, red, some even emerald, like the jewels I somehow believed my dad sold door to door. 我试着回忆hg888皇冠手机版住在那里时的生活，但我脑子里什么也没找到. 此外，更有意义的是关注未来，关注我将成为什么样的人.
Of course, now that I’m grown, all I ever think about is the past.
*
On the floor of Derek’s room, I awoke in a diamond of sunlight. 他站在长镜前, 拉着他西装外套的袖口, 试着让他们够到他的手腕.
“Why are we dressing up?我问道，希望去教堂. 我就知道那是过去的事了, 但我想念那几杯葡萄汁, the colorful windows, the way time stood still.
“你哥哥今天要展示他的第一个计划,” Dad said, coming in to organize Derek’s hair with the harsh black comb. “He’s joining TEAM.“我哥哥的脸上写着痛苦，每划一下，都会扯掉一些微小但却至关重要的东西.
“他的西装太小了，”我说. No one listened to me. With his wingspan wide, Derek’s arms rolled in tiny circles. 我哥哥是游泳运动员，不是推销员. 然而，我觉得我知道该如何求婚. My school counselor wrote that I was “quite charming one-on-one.”
I showered quick so that Dad wouldn’t yell about wasted water, pulled on my polo, and even brought him the little evil comb to make my hair successful. 我站在厨房里，等着被梳理. 爸爸吞下咖啡，说:“等你长大了，你就会展示这个计划。.”
“你在赞美崇拜乐队打鼓的时候也是这么说的，”我说. “And now we don’t even go! Who knows what this family will be doing when I’m old enough?”
“Okay Bret,” Dad said, his eyes shut tight like my voice hurt. “There’s no room— ”
“在这屋子里是为了阴暗，”我说. “I know. But this isn’t gloom. This is the truth. 承诺很糟糕，因为没人知道未来的我是否会想要今天的我想要的东西.”
“See what I mean?” Derek said to Dad. “他九岁就开始模仿尼采了.”
“I’m ten!我说，这时爸爸耸了耸肩，打开手机打电话.
“伙计，今天去交些朋友吧，”德里克说. “在你还能玩的时候好好玩.“他在跟我说话，但在看别的地方，看他正在发育的大脑里的某个地方.
“Or go get some exercise,” Dad added, closing the phone.
My family thought I was the only one who didn’t notice my own fat. 他们会指责我吃饼干袖子, 意大利面条剩饭，但那是德里克, bulking up for meets. 我看着他试着喝咖啡，他是如何把咖啡含在嘴里的. 在这里我可以很好地喝咖啡. Actually, 我喜欢咖啡，甚至可以告诉你咖啡因对hg888皇冠手机版身体的作用——这种分子看起来就像一只死青蛙. 这张照片在德里克的生物书里. Dad ran his pinky along the inner lip of a Jif jar, a habit Mom hated. He leaned toward me —Shhhh然后把手指塞进嘴里.
“好吧，但谁能拒绝一个可爱的孩子呢?” I said. “有我在那儿，笑着说笑话，你会像一百块红宝石一样卖出去的.“我家里的男人嘲笑我.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Dad said. “Besides, I’ve got the cute kid strategy already working.” He clapped my brother’s back, and Derek spit coffee onto the floor.
“Jesus,” Dad said, inspecting his shirt for stains. hg888皇冠手机版一动不动地站在厨房里, all of us hungry, listening to the faint sound of Mom in the sideyard, singing to her vegetables.
*
穿过花园，妈妈跪在她的胡椒树旁，没有戴手套，已经汗流浃背了. 我想知道我为什么不能去. 她望着天空，仿佛爸爸是一颗你有时能在白天看到的行星. The station wagon left the driveway without even a honk goodbye.
“现在激动还太早，”她说. hg888皇冠手机版家和邻居篱笆之间的狭长庭院是一条植物隧道. 豌豆沿着篱笆发芽，一筐筐的药草挂在排水沟上. 沙拉的每一部分都生长在一片混乱的孤岛上，这种逻辑只有妈妈知道. I picked my way through the plants, moving toward her voice. 她每天早上都要在这里待好几个小时. The grocery store she’d managed had been bought out back in June. 我不明白这对hg888皇冠手机版的家庭预算有什么影响，也没有债务的概念. 每天早上等公共汽车, 我会看到妈妈坐在番茄线旁边, eyes squinted, watching for growth.
“Seriously,” I said to her. “我可以卖和他们一样多的珠宝.”
“Many,” she said. “你这是什么意思，珠宝? 你都不知道计划，Bret.”
“I can learn. 我上周才了解细胞. 它们无处不在，不断繁殖，死亡，从hg888皇冠手机版的床单上掉下来. And remember, you taught me a cucumber was a pickle. 我只需要有人告诉我. Give me a date then. When can I be on TEAM?”
“黄瓜又不是泡菜. 我的工作不是告诉你一切. 有些事你得自己弄清楚.她试图递给我一把泥铲. “Listen,” she said, whispering like she was telling a secret. “You won’t like the TEAM. 我是说，我自己都受不了. 他们卖的产品总是在变，人又那么…脆弱.”
每个星期，她都会和我在楼上玩一次N64，而当地的队员们则聚集在hg888皇冠手机版的客厅里，大声朗读一本名为SELLEBRATE的精美书籍. 封面上是一名曾经的职业摔跤手倚靠在一辆兰博基尼的引擎盖上，脚边的公文包喷出金色的光芒. 我根本听不清他们在开会的时候都说了些什么, 但话题总是围绕着谁拿到了银, who’s gone gold, where the rubies live, how hard a diamond is. “我跟你打赌我会喜欢的。”我对妈妈说.
“Bret，亲爱的，”她说，听起来很累. “很抱歉，我还有工作要做.”
“我也是，”我说着，冲过她的花园，跺着hg888皇冠手机版家的食物.
我在房子里到处寻找我母亲的伙伴，那只必不可少的灰色公文包. 她甚至从来没有参加过促销活动，所以它仍然充满了产品和计划. 经过十分钟的翻找, I found it below the sink, 一个印有金色TEAM标志的银盒子. 我想象着里面闪闪发光的东西，但在我的脑海中，我没有时间去看. 我必须挣得比我父亲多，卖得比我哥哥好，我必须从现在开始. 我猛地推开前门跑开，脚趾顶着鞋尖.
*
我随便选了一所带门廊的房子. The heavy knocker hung just in reach, made a solid rap. 我清了清嗓子，哼了一首爸爸在洗澡时经常在我睡不着的时候唱的歌Eye of the tiger; it’s the thrill of the fight. 没有人来开门，所以我按了门铃. 它明亮的声音在房子里永远回荡着.
我想知道每一个门铃的回声是一样的还是不同的声音. 它们和原来的戒指有什么不同? 我想到了昨晚Bret的样子, 然后Bret我在洗澡, Bret掉进了妈妈的花园. Was I becoming Bret faster or slower than Derek had become Derek? 我擦去腋窝里的汗珠，想象着一队队的细胞被水冲走. 现在我在这里，门廊还是老样子吗? 我向左走，然后向右走，想看看每一步是否都预示着一个新的Bret的诞生. Who was the true Bret?
“这支舞跳得真漂亮，”门廊尽头的一位老太太说，我愣住了. 她咧开嘴笑了——她的牙齿不太适合她的嘴——然后拉开了门.
在屋里，她坐在椅子上，而我站着. My voice, my pitch, the plan—it echoed through her quiet house. I made everything up. 关于珠宝，你可以买到银，经过足够的加工，你可以把它变成金子. 其次是红宝石和绿宝石, I was pretty sure, and the ingredients to grow these were Time and Faith. Love. Patience. Grit. 我把我在客厅团队会议上听到的和我在教堂听到的混合在一起, sprinkling in lines from my counselor’s cat posters—昨天你说明天，今天就说喵!
“然后，创造者戴着一顶钻石王冠下来了，”我说，准备打开公文包. 她微笑着，用颤抖的眼睛盯着我.
“Bret-hunny,” she said. “I get it.”
“And that’s when, 我很确定……”我努力想接近, hungry for the time to come when she handed me money, when I slammed the dollars down on our dinner table, when Salesman-Bret got all the praise he deserved. “……hg888皇冠手机版被允许进入天堂.”
“Turn around,” she said, her voice now cutting with an edge. “Look at my bookshelf.“在她身后，有十二根一模一样的脊骨——SELLEBRATE—all in a row. “I’m already in your father’s downline,” she said. “他和德里克都是好人. But, shhh, I’m in a lot of folks’ downlines,” she said. I’d heard the word ‘downline’ before but never understood it. 这一切都说不通. I sat down. 我的手颤抖着，公文包格格作响. She knew who I was? 爸爸和德里克来过这里? And how many times? “I heard the Joneses are going sapphire,” she hissed.
When she asked if my dad knew I was here, I stood up to go. She moved toward the phone, blocking my way to the front door. “Shouldn’t we call him?” she said, and her top row of false teeth slipped out of her mouth. They smacked the floor, sounding like knuckles cracking.
I screamed and bolted—briefcase held tight to my chest—down the hall, through a kitchen, out a door, and into the backyard. 再往前就是树林了.
*
I cut through the trees, my briefcase heavier with every step. These woods should’ve been the same that ran behind our house, but everything looked weird—the trees were shorter, more packed together, 叶子似乎很油腻, sticky. It was all down hill. I didn’t know my way. 我用石头过河，但落在了黑色的淤泥里，鞋子被吸走了. My hair caught burrs and bugs as I waded through bushes. A branch tore a hole in my polo, right above my nipple. 我的眼皮因为被荆棘划伤而流血. 我走得太久，影子都缩小了.
我看起来一定很疯狂，因为我的脚一触到割过的草就会发出尖叫声. 三个年轻的女孩坐在空荡荡的浴缸里，指着我，摇着头 no. I wanted to turn back but how would I find home through those trees?
“My daddy will kill you,” yelled the girl with beaded braids. She was the smallest, brown-skinned and squinting. Her left front tooth was gone, the new growth just a crooked stub.
“You’re bloody,” said the second, her freckles alive with sunburn. “Where’s your shoe?”
“Is the road up that way?” I asked, licking my lips. 在路堤顶部，垃圾箱里满是家具和垃圾. 克利弗河缓缓流过hg888皇冠手机版身后.
“We’ll tell you if you help us,” said the third, oldest girl. 她黝黑的皮肤似乎在阳光下闪闪发光，她的蓝色比基尼上衣让我恶心. “你对热水浴缸了解多少?”
我在草地上擦了擦公文包，说:“我所知道的是珠宝——”
但是中间的那个打断了我:“hg888皇冠手机版需要一个把这东西弄进小溪的计划.” She jumped out and stood in front of me, squaring her shoulders. 另外两个也跟着来了.
“你为什么要这么做?” I said.
“So we can all float around in a freaking hot tub,” said the oldest. “Duh.”
“It’s called living your best life,” said the middle girl.
“What’s in your case?” said the youngest, her braid-beads clicking together in the wind.
I decided to skip the speech and go right to the product. The bikini girl looked old enough for a weekly allowance. 也许最小的那个还拿着牙仙的钱. “Okay,” I said, laying the briefcase flat in the grass. The girls came close. hg888皇冠手机版围着箱子围成一个圈, looking down as if into a hole that reached the other side of earth. I could not wait to finally show someone what I had inside. “Now, what I’m about to present to you,” I said, unlatching the case. “你应该想象它挂在你的脖子上. In your ears. On your wrists.”
女孩们互相碰了碰胳膊. 我屏住呼吸，像掀开面纱一样掀开盖子.
Inside, eight silver knives gleamed in the sunlight. 耀眼的光芒射进了hg888皇冠手机版的眼睛，我的心变成了一个着火的花园，床在燃烧，番茄在融化. The older girls cursed, 向山上冲刺——但是最小的那个笑了, looked right at me, and asked, “Can I do the next part?”
*
她挑了一把最大的刀，拿在我俩之间，就像黑夜降临一样，那把刀就像火把. 我想起我从德里克的课本中学到的，两个互相接触的物体从来没有真正接触过, how a tiny space always hovered between the electrons of each item. 我说不出hg888皇冠手机版在哪里，但在里面我知道——这是hg888皇冠手机版老社区的边缘.
“Give me your shoe,” she said, and I kicked it off. With that knife in her hand, I would’ve done anything she said. I had no confidence. I was a failure. 我甚至不知道这个产品.
She knelt down and commenced sawing my shoe clean in half. In a deep voice, she said: “As you see, 它能干净利落地穿过最坚硬的东西:肉, leather, even bone. 这刀刃是强化钢的, with a full tang, and three brass rivets that store-bought knives lack. This handle will never separate from its blade. It never wears out! 这是hg888皇冠手机版的永久保证, 意思是不管时间, use, 和你多变的生活, you’ll never be without.”
“You’re good at this,” I said, suddenly wanting a knife of my own. 或许我只是想让她放下那件事.
她继续穿着她的哈士奇, 假装的声音:“现在如果你有一便士, I’d like to show you what the scissors can accomplish.”
我拿起一把刀，开始钻进一英寸厚的塑料热浴缸衬垫. The blade cut with ease. The girl’s name was Kiana. Her dad sold these too.
With knives long as our forearms, we sliced into the hot tub. “This is how you get the hot tub into the creek,” she said. “One tiny piece at a time.” Her laugh was catching, hoarse like Derek’s, but not mocking.
“At that point, will it even be a hot tub anymore?我望着山上问道. 太阳高悬在天空中. 今天还有很多时间，有足够的时间让我和齐亚娜致富.
*
忘了计划吧，不管它是什么. These knives were divine, and the new plan was to sell them. 我一边走一边仔细看了看，它是如何闪闪发光的，它的把手是多么结实. 我想知道这里是不是珠宝被熔化，重新制作成这个的地方. 如果是这样，它们还是珠宝吗? 这是钻石还是刀? Was I still working for TEAM, or had I quit altogether?
在我从未见过的两条街的拐角处，一个停车标志不见了. The pole just stood there, crooked in the dirt, with nothing to show. Maybe it was because Kiana chose to hold my briefcase, 但我突然感到紧张, like I was being tricked. I remembered the old woman with all her book copies, 掉牙后她笑得怎样, 她嘴巴的黑洞. 我想起了爸爸和德里克嘲笑的笑声. 每个人都把我当成白痴.
Was I being robbed here? “Excuse me.” I said. “Can I carry my briefcase?”
“Chill, I told you my dad used to sell Cutlass,” she said. “What? You don’t trust me?”
她叹了口气，坐在路边的泥土上. When she opened the briefcase and took out the hefty kitchen shears, 我能感觉到我的心在胃里狂跳. “血缘兄弟或灵魂姐妹?” she said. 我盯着她，直到她决定选择灵魂姐妹. 她把剪刀递给我，要我剪掉一绺头发. “Wake up!她一边喊道，一边用手拍着我的脸. The shears, heavy in my hand, shook like a light about to go out. 我想象着和齐亚娜站在这里，轮流在路边戳我的断耳. 但当刀片碰到我的一绺刘海时，我的头发就无声无息地掉了下来.
我把黑色碎片捧在手里.
“Give me,” Kiana said, 于是我把这薄纸扔到她手里, 她把我的头发塞进了她的短裤口袋. She took the scissors, 眨眼之间，她就剪掉了整条辫子, 还有绿色的心珠. She put it in my hand. “Okay, now we’re bonded.”
“Forever?” I said.
*
Passing stoops, birds, barbeques, and men gazing into the open hoods of bright cars, we sold to no one. 齐亚娜穿着银色的大拖鞋领着hg888皇冠手机版. 中间的丁字裤总是从左边的丁字裤中伸出来，hg888皇冠手机版会停下来等她修好它. I carried the suitcase, chin up, no smile, just like she instructed. 一种我熟悉的味道在空气中飘荡，一种麦片圈在碗里放得太久的味道. hg888皇冠手机版经过了狗粮工厂的烟囱，但我仍然没有把这里当成家.
在公园里，青少年坐在露天看台上. 青少年在洗手间吸烟. Teenagers did wheelies. 有肩部肌肉和胡须的青少年跑过两个网眼篮球场. 齐亚娜在这片土地上一路走来，自信而迅速，即使穿着人字拖也很优雅. I jogged to keep up, 四处寻找七岁的我, as if past selves just stayed where you left them. The first group we met—four boys leaning on BMX bikes—glared at us.
I was silent. Kiana tried. “You guys need any—”
“Fuck outta here with that shit,” the tallest one said.
The second group kept turning Kiana’s questions back on us.
“你为什么和胖子在一起? 他的鞋在哪里?”
“我想谈正事，”她说. 我在口袋里紧紧抓住她的辫子.
“I’m trying to talk about why you’re out here with Ralph Lauren.他靠近我，把我的衣领掀了起来. His crew roared. hg888皇冠手机版离开了，齐亚娜欢迎我来到拉库纳公园.
At the drink fountain, I let the water fill my mouth and spill over. 齐亚娜和我分享她父亲的咒语时我整张脸都湿了 Selling is cellular. It’s in our blood. 她说，她的父亲是如此专注于他的生意，以至于他离开去和其他卖家住在山上的一个社区. 他曾是联邦快递(FedEx)的司机，但因在送货时出售该计划而被解雇. 她爸爸上夜班，两点之间轮流nd and 3rd shift, just like my dad had before we moved up the hill. 我和她因为父亲深夜离开而被吵醒而变得亲密起来, the car engine firing, 前门关上了. Dinners were lonelier too. 现在，即使我爸爸上第一班，他还是经常不吃晚饭. 他总是去推销计划. 正因为如此，妈妈规定每个人星期天都要回家吃晚饭. 我抬头看着太阳，想知道我是否能及时回到山上，坐在hg888皇冠手机版的桌子旁.
齐亚娜站起来，开始绕着圈子走，一边讲课一边挥手. “爸爸说有两种人:一种认为世界上都是买家，另一种认为世界上都是卖家, and ones who know that if you’re selling the right product, 买家也可以成为卖家.” I laughed, and she clapped her hands three times. “听着，hg888皇冠手机版先把刀轻松地卖掉. But then we sell them tools for how to sell their own knives. And then, every time they sell a knife, we get cash, ‘cus we brought them in.” She took a deep breath and grabbed the suitcase. “That’s the plan.”
“那么你的意思是hg888皇冠手机版把男人变成了渔夫。”我说，但她已经在走了.
*
hg888皇冠手机版的第一次销售是在自行车架附近, when a kid ran past us, nearly in tears, asking if we’d seen a guy with a beard riding a blue Huffy. 他上气不接下气地坐在长凳上. 齐亚娜跳过投球，击球. She popped the briefcase, and placed it on his lap.
“第一次顾客，”她说. “Special deal. 这些都是十美元.”
当那孩子慢慢地伸手去拿一个时，我在想:如果他把它对准hg888皇冠手机版怎么办? But Kiana had it covered. She picked one up under the guise of showing him the rivets.
“Who are you?他问道，用手指抚摸着把手. “Why do you have these?”
“We’re your team,” I said, grinning. 齐亚娜的勇气恢复了我卖掉房子的意愿. “We’ll teach you sell these, put you in our downline. 你会把钱都赚回来的.”
“一百次，”齐亚娜补充道. 那孩子从口袋里掏出一个尼龙搭扣的钱包，递给我一张10美元的钞票. 他拿起一把最小的刀——齐亚娜叫它钳子——塞进了自己的口袋. Kiana put her hand out to shake, but the kid just walked away. 她很快在女厕所里又卖了一份，而我在自动贩卖机旁开始了一段慢吞吞的对话. 那里的一群人斜视着我, 当我嘟囔着什么刀的时候, they smacked the briefcase out of my hands and demanded I go home.
齐亚娜说:“人们想感觉自己很强大。. “Safe and strong. Simple as that.”
The shears went to a pair smoking behind the tennis court. 这把切牛排的刀带来了五块钱, plus half a PBJ sandwich, 但那个买家——他穿着一件黑色的大雨衣，还在不停地跟自己争论——和hg888皇冠手机版卖给的所有人一样:他不肯签约, 不想加入hg888皇冠手机版的团队. But he did shake my hand, and for a second we traded cells.
All day long I had been saying goodbye to tiny parts of me. 我以为我要甩掉一个老Bret来给新的那个销售员让路, the charmer, the pride of my clan.
齐亚娜把三明治撕成两半，hg888皇冠手机版在一个用木板围起来的小卖部的阴凉处吃着.
*
After finishing the sandwich, my stomach hurt with hunger. 当一群穿着绿色手帕的孩子来了, 我真希望我在家里, 在妈妈准备晚餐时打扰她. These kids had hard arms and wide shoulders like Derek. 我选择不握手.
“听说你有刀片，”最大的那个说. What we had left were the two largest ones—serrated, silver, the length of a thigh, the kind of knives you might use to strip the skin from a fish, or saw through bone. I tried to smile, but the group gave back only hard stares.
“Well?一个人说，他的大手帕像围巾. 我默默地祈祷着，紧紧抓住齐亚娜的辫子.
“Well?” Kiana said. Her tough tone slipped, her voice retreating to a younger version.
“Show us the goods.”
“你没有钱，你自己知道，”她说. 就这样，有人把我推倒在地. 一眨眼，他们就拿到了公文包. Peace! 他们喊着，走了. 齐亚娜追着他们跑，突然间我就成了一个人. I found a place beneath the bleachers and sat down in the dirt. I thought of Derek, always sure of his body and where it was headed. 到巷子尽头，回来. Repeat until varsity. 同一个人在不同的地方. I wanted to be home. But hadn’t I lived here, once, in this neighborhood? 我又四处寻找hg888皇冠手机版的老房子. 我发誓，我在那些单杠上荡秋千，但德里克总是和我在一起. 他们从不允许我一个人去公园. 或者是另一个公园? What good was memory if it was always coming off in chunks?
“It’s okay,” I said when Kiana returned, red-faced and cursing. “We still got the money.”
“But what about the plan? What about tomorrow?”
齐亚娜相信明天hg888皇冠手机版还是原来的hg888皇冠手机版. But I thought I’d change when I showed the cash to my family. 没有你，看看我为你做了什么. I couldn’t wait.
“我会得到更多的，”我告诉她. “hg888皇冠手机版下周末再出去. Try a new neighborhood?她目不转睛地看着窃贼消失在公园长长的阴影里的地方. “Where do you live?” I asked. “这样我下次就能来找你了.”
“听着，”她说，终于又面对着我. “你不能告诉我妈妈是hg888皇冠手机版干的. She hates this stuff. 她把爸爸赶出家门. 她说这个团队是邪教.”
“What’s a cult?”
“It’s when you get so excited about something that someone ends up killed.话在hg888皇冠手机版之间转来转去，我想hg888皇冠手机版对刚才所做的事情有所了解. 事实上，德里克这个年纪的男孩很快就会被刺死. Not to death, 但足以把球场的沥青染成深红色，以至于附近的教堂愿意花钱把整个球场涂成蓝色. 足以进行调查, a lawsuit, a settlement, 一种无法改变的改变，我至今无法说出.
Kiana looked up, sucked in her tears, and straightened her spine. “事实上，”她说，推了推我的胳膊. “You can’t tell anyone about this.”
我点了点头，尽管我不得不对某人撒谎——要么是违背齐亚娜的诺言, or to my parents by not telling the truth about the work I’d done, the money I’d made, the success I’d gained. 齐亚娜把我那一半的钱给我时，我感觉的不是胜利，而是背叛. 也许这是我第一次对成年的真相有所了解:成年并不是身体上的变化, 而是一个学习如何隐藏自己的过程, who you’ve been.
hg888皇冠手机版默默地走在街上，我努力记住每一个标志和街角. 我以为我很快就能回去了. When she veered toward the stoop of a row house without a goodbye, I wanted to cut all the rest of my hair off and give it to her. I grabbed at the bounty in my pocket—twenty bucks and a girl’s braid. 太阳很快落山，天空一片粉红色的烟. 在门槛处，她转过身来对着我，在暮色中挥动着手臂，喊道:“走吧。!”
*
At the foot of the hill, the hot tub sat there, unmoved. 我闭上眼睛，开始往上爬. 穿过昏暗的森林，我很快发现我的鞋陷在泥里了，但我没有动它. My feet had hardened. 现在独自一人，我只能想到我的家人. 我回家后他们会说什么? As I walked, 我用我的想象力搭了一张桌子，上面堆满了我母亲的花园, me opening the door, my back straight, no blood on my face, 我衬衫上的洞缝好了, 我的鞋子又干净又闪亮, my hands not trembling, 我把它们都放在桌子中央, the money and the braid, right there on the Mt. Rushmore placemat. I say, hg888皇冠手机版今晚要去吃冰淇淋. They gasp. 我说过我能说服你. 他们像从没见过我一样盯着我看. And they haven’t. Not this version. 我的头发少了一大块. I am new. Their son is—for a sweet, brief second—a serious businessman. I want to feel pride, but something in their faces makes me sick. Sold it all. Even the briefcase, I lie. Everyone says Bret as if my name is a rare stone found only in the ocean. 但他们给我的不是表扬. No one notices the money, only the braid, the rope of hair, 还是纠结着小绿的心.
Mom screams. Dad cackles. Derek disappears. The house collapses.
我从院子里的幻想中醒来，一路走到hg888皇冠手机版在山上的家.
*
走进去突然觉得很可怕，于是我踮起脚尖站在起居室的窗户前. Mom paced the kitchen, the cordless phone in her butt-pocket. Dad and Derek sat at the table, still dressed in their stupid suits. I wanted Dad to stand up and stop Mom’s pacing with a hug, wanted to reach through the window and tap Derek on the shoulder. 伙计，我有个惊喜. No one spoke. 电视是唯一的噪音-本地新闻，犯罪.
一有消息hg888皇冠手机版就通知你， said a reporter. But we’re hearing reports that the victim is a teenaged boy, sixteen, 今晚早些时候在拉库纳公园发现的.
妈妈冲进餐厅. “他一定在那儿，你们两个! Take the car.爸爸和德里克从桌子上站起来，开始穿鞋, 我试图敲窗户, 但我的指关节撞到了屏幕上. I wanted to speak, but all that came out was a cough. 他们三个转向我的声音, 沉默地盯着前门, as if it might burst open. I waved behind the window, but they still didn’t see me.
事实证明，hg888皇冠手机版确实有一个真实的自我, something that never changes even when every other part of you has. The true self is what’s there when no one you love will look at you.
电视上谈论着刀伤、警报器、受害者、嫌疑人，还有我无法解读的词语. 一种恶心的味道爬上我的喉咙. I felt flimsy. 这种奇怪的感觉像血液一样冲过我的身体，一种我无法命名的感觉. 责任，罪恶感——我现在仍然有这种感觉——羞耻.
I ran to the sideyard. 血液在我的脑袋里翻滚，冲走了老细胞. 新树又长起来了，像跳跳糖一样噼啪作响. 我希望它们是好的细胞——结实，可靠. 我祈祷他们会留下来，茁壮成长，成为最终的我的基础. 但我已经能感觉到它们正在死去，滑倒，像雪花一样穿过我的身体. 我在花园里吐了好多.
As the men of the family climbed into the station wagon to find me, 从车道上倒车进入黑夜, 我躲在辣椒树后面, keeping low to the ground. 当马达的嗡嗡声消失时, 世界一片寂静——妈妈关掉了电视——我听到我的心在泥土上跳动. 我把手伸进口袋，抓住齐亚娜的辫子.
She would be the one to confess to her mom about what we’d done. 有那么多目击者来描述我. hg888皇冠手机版会被起诉的, for my parents, for reckless endangerment, and eventually, 当一切都安排好并完成时, for the house.
I laid in the garden and stared at it, our big house. How had it changed us? How would we be different if we’d kept living down the hill? 在房子的一小块地方, 夹在长长的一排中间, our tiny sliver of that street-length brick building, 墙很薄，隔壁又吵又闹, the cats on the porch, 我和德里克睡过的床, the dinners without Dad, 还有他睡觉时安静的早餐, 教堂里挤满了唱歌的邻居. I was falling asleep, 开始梦到我过去的生活, but then the back door swung open and banged closed.
在花园的尽头，我母亲出现了. She stood still, staring through all of her plants. 她没看到我在外面，融入其中，每时每刻都在成长成hg888皇冠手机版都无法理解的东西. But then she moved closer, slowly, 穿过花园, 小心翼翼地向我游来, 直到她找到我的手臂，尖叫着用力抓住，留下了痕迹. 当她问我去了哪里，我说我不知道，hg888皇冠手机版都知道那完全是个谎言. 我一直在这里，在我的身体里，一直在这里.
Tyler Barton是Fear No Lit的联合创始人, the organization responsible for the Submerging Writer Fellowship. 他是flash小说小册子的作者, 安静的部分喧闹(2019), which won the Turnbuckle Chapbook Contest from Split Lip Press. 他即将出现在肯扬评论中, The Iowa Review, Subtropics, Gulf Coast, Cream City Review, and Paper Darts. Find him at tsbarton.com or @goftyler.